When I decided to start this blog a few months ago, I made a commitment to myself to post at least one thing a day. My skills in procrastination are very well established, so it was a way of holding myself accountable for that particular aspect of my personality. However, I also made a promise not to blog when I am feeling sad or excessively overwhelmed. I want this blog to be a place where I can express my thoughts and feelings, but I don't want it to become burdened with excess emotions that have not been resolved. I don't want to fill these pages with any whining or rants that haven't been fully established as sane and meaningful.
The last week left me feeling very overwhelmed. Six months postpartum, I got my first period in over a year, which was totally unexpected and explains why my moods were swinging all over the place. I didn't feel like myself. I was wanting to burst into tears over commercials for god's sake. So that was fun, I don't think I bled enough after I gave birth anyway! (Please note that yes, that was an awful, horrible joke.)
Iris has also been going through some kind of growth spurt or teething pain that makes her wake up anywhere between 3-7 times every night. This has taken a serious toll on my mental and emotional health, which if you've had any experience, you know sleep deprivation will do. Her new mobility and self awareness, while fun and exciting, has been a big adjustment for me.
I was unwilling or unable to ask Marius to help me around the house, and expected him to know that I needed it. I got angry and resentful that I felt I was doing everything to raise our baby and keep up the house. I was finally able to bring it up with him in a non-aggressive way, after great attempts to de-identify from my emotions. He truly is a wonderful husband who will do anything in his power to make me happy, so long as he knows what to do! We are so close and love each other so much, I sometimes forget that he can't read my mind. Since we talked about my concerns, as well as his, everything is worlds better. I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as I always do when I finally bring myself to speak up.
I had so much on my mind this past week but most of it was the problem of me getting in my own way. That seems to be where most problems stem from. We are so quick to blame the other people in our lives and the situations we are supposedly put in, we forget that our environments are reflections of ourselves. Every word we say or don't say, every smile we give or don't give, every gesture or recoil has a consequence. We create the world we live in, just as we create ourselves.
I should be back to the regularly scheduled posting here. I really did miss this new little outlet I have! If you're reading this, take some time to think about how you affect your environment and yourself with your action or lack thereof. It's actually very empowering to realize that you are in control of how you experience your life.