lately.

Marius and Iris at the Frankenstein Castle Halloween family day!

Enjoying - the cooler weather which has now fully settled into the bones of Germany. We're certainly missing our sunny days; autumn, winter and spring are known to be vastly occupied by unbroken cloud cover. However, there's something magical to me about this season. I love that first hot cloud of my own breath in the air as I step outside. The coziness of a mug of hot tea whilst cocooning myself in blankets and snuggling with my dearest ones will win over sweating in the sun any day!

Reading - rather, rereading the book 1-2-3 Magic. If you have children, this book is an absolute must in my opinion. When Iris was a baby, I thought I was above the idea of giving time-outs. For many years now, Marius and I have both been implementing the ideas found in the book P.E.T (which I also highly recommend as a form of learning how to better communicate.) While these methods have helped her grow into an enormously empathetic, intelligent and logical person, it just hasn't been enough to handle the often irrational toddler brain. 1-2-3 Magic really does work and I recommend it to all of those who give childcare!

Watching - a lot of Mulan, which is Iris' most favorite movie right now. I also just finished Season 2 of Once Upon a Time and Marius and I have just started watching Season 1 so he can catch up on the story too. I can hardly wait until the third season of Game of Thrones comes out on blu-ray! We've also been completely obsessed with The Big Bang Theory and Iris often asks, "are we going to watch Sheldon??"

Planning - for Christmas! I've already bought all of the presents for extended family and will be working on wrapping and packaging next week! It feels nice to get everything finished and not have to worry about rushing to get things shipped out at the last minute.

Anticipating - the Christmas Markets here in Europe! The larger markets typically begin running in mid to late November and go through Christmas. Most of the small towns here have weekend events during which entire town centers are shut down and dedicated to enjoying the Christmas spirit and shopping for locally made goods. The gluwein is boiling hot to stave off the freezing wind, the sugary scent of hot Belgian waffles and melty crepes fills the air, and that special Christmas warmth of everyone around is enough to make anyone smile (even if you are freezing half to death.)

I've missed blogging and I know many of you have missed the posts of photos and stories about Iris. Feel free to comment with what you have been up to lately and let's get back in touch!

twenty-two months.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but some time between last month and this one, something shifted within you. You are starting to firmly grasp independence, really taking chances on your own by initiating change. 

Thus far in your life, you have seemed to be more intellectual than physical. While other kids your age run around, getting into everything, you prefer to watch and talk about what you're observing. Now that you are becoming more interested in socializing, you're taking more chances and stepping outside of your usual comfort zone. At a squadron picnic this weekend, there was a bouncy castle. You screamed with joy - "TOY!" while laughing and pointing at the other kids "BOUNCE!" You wanted to try, so we took your shoes off and placed you on the edge of the castle... but the first two times we tried, you got scared and immediately asked to get down. It was apparent that you still really wanted to try. The third time, you connected with another toddler who was throwing herself joyfully around on the bouncy castle and you joined her, tentatively at first. By the time we left you were bouncing around all by yourself. 

On top of this new breaking of your old boundaries, you are further amazing us with full sentences. For example, the other day you patted my arm and told me "it'll be okay," as a loud motorcycle went by us. You are asking for specific food items that you want, such as "cheese and bread?" We usually walk to the market together every few days, and you excitedly name the fruits and veggies in the product section, "carrot! apple! tomato! pepper!" while also saying "hi!" to everyone we pass. You've also got remarkable manners for your age, demonstrated by your energetic "thank-you!!!" every time one of your needs or wants is met. You are also learning to say "please" when asking for something. When you want one of us to do something for you, you push our legs in the direction you want while commanding, "go!" or "come!"

Your favorite foods at home are yogurt, oatmeal and waffles. When we go grocery shopping, you know to ask for your other favorite foods - "a yummy?!" I usually buy you a little treat to keep you entertained while I shop, such as a carton of raspberries or a little chocolate pastry. You enjoy lounging on the beanbag in your play area while talking to your stuffed animals. You've learned to simultaneously run across the lawn and kick your ball while exclaiming, "kick it!" We draw with chalk on the patio almost daily, and you tell me that you're drawing "blub blub" (fish) or "meow" (cats), even adding recognizable little details such as eyes and whiskers. When you want a change of scenery, you will ask to "go room?" to play upstairs in your room. 

You have also learned to tell your first knock knock joke! You say, "knock knock!" and we reply "who's there?" You throw your arms open wide and say "...a little baby!!" Your newest word obsessions are pointing to an insect and saying, "a bee!" or "a fly!" and you shoo it away. You have also started being a copy-cat for language, repeating things that we say like "not cool!"

The most illustrative and surprising change, is your own decision to night-wean. Since your birth, you have woken multiple times a night for me to nurse you. I would go to bed with your Papa, and you'd wake me crying not long after. I would spend the rest of the night in your bed with you, and I so enjoyed those nights we spent snuggling. You whimpered and nuzzled me a few times every night, until your need for milk and comfort was met, and you would fall back asleep. The last two nights, instead of crying out for me to come to your room for milk, you took a different route. You found your ladybug nightlight, turned on her soft light and fell back to sleep all by yourself. Without me. Without milk. 

I got the first full nights of sleep I've had in two years - except for when I abruptly woke up wondering how I could possibly still be in my own bed! The first night, your Papa and I jumped up to make sure you were okay.... and there you were curled up in bed, bathed in a blue glow and fast asleep. I never imagined you would give up your nightly feedings and cosleeping so easily, that you would transition so beautifully. This is truly an example of my belief that children will hit milestones when they are ready. I have been so patient, and this reward is more than I could ever have asked for. 

I am so very proud of you.

breastfeeding is beautiful.

Remember this post I made almost one year ago? I talked about what it might be like to nurse a one year old in a society that is rarely exposed to the natural act of breastfeeding and I also recommitted to playing my part in normalizing breastfeeding by nursing Iris in public. Since then, our breastfeeding relationship has advanced into an even stronger emotional connection, and has continued to provide a cherished source of hydration, nutrition and prevention of illness. I have continued to nurse her in public any time, any where. I am joyful to report that not one person has attempted to shame me for feeding my child in the natural way. Not one person has glared at me, shielded their children's eyes from me, or asked me to leave the room. Until now.

About a week after moving into our new house we met our neighbors, an American couple who have lived here for over two years. The four of us got together a couple of times to spend the day together, and it seemed as though we all had things in common and enjoyed each other's company. The wife and I got along swimmingly and we went on several day trips to nearby cities to have lunch and go shopping. We saw eye to eye about many things and became fast friends.

Since she doesn't have children, the first time I nursed Iris in front of her at a fast food stand in Bitburg, I warned her beforehand, "just so you know, I'm still nursing Iris." She replied, "thanks for warning me because I would have been totally shocked." Then she asked me if I wanted to go back to the car for privacy. I said no, we're very comfortable here and shared with her that I am very passionate about mothers being able to feed their babies any time, any where. She expressed that she values privacy. As I mentioned, we continued to be social with each other and I was not offended when she asked if I wanted to cover Iris with a scarf on another nursing occasion. I made attempts to be more discreet when nursing Iris while we were socializing - and nursing her was a rarity. We shared meals, laughed and exchanged details of our lives with each other over the period of a few weeks, and not once did she make it clear that my breastfeeding made her painfully uncomfortable. Then one day, she messaged me on facebook with some very unpleasant words. She referred to my nursing Iris as "well, yuck is the reaction I have to it. It just makes me really uncomfortable for a list of reasons. Especially when its in public and when its in front of my husband." 

She said that she was "squirming in her seat uncomfortable" when I was "pulling out my breast" and "making my statement." She believes that everyone else in our vicinity was also offended and were staring at us. I responded with some information about the benefits of breastfeeding, the German breastfeeding rates, and made it apparent that I was offended. However, the majority of my replies to her words were ignored and she continued to blame me for her discomfort. "That is unfair to me, and considering I feel that way and you are not willing to have any boundaries about it at all I am going to have to set the boundary that I not be in public with you and Iris anymore." In reality, there was no suggestion of a compromise, no honest admission that she was just embarrassed and hoped there was a way for me to make it better for her. Just outright accusations, expectations that I simply do or not do whatever she wanted and for lack of better words - shaming and blaming. 

Exacerbating her already highly offensive tone, she compared breastfeeding to abortion. "For example, I feel very passionately about being pro-abortion, planned pregnancy, and all things related to population control. But I fully recognize how much that offends other people for their own list of reasons and so unless in a more intimate setting I keep the details of that passion to myself. " 

She went on to accuse me of plagiarizing. '"Wow. Your true angst was very transparent in that statement. On the one hand you tell me to be respectful, yet you take a shot at my communication skills and refer to my messages as a 'scattered flood of opinions.' Honestly, I don't think you came up with that by yourself, and I don't believe it's the way you actually feel. I think that remark either came from a place of hurt feelings, or you got it from someone else."

She suggested that I should not be around people while nursing, and compared breastfeeding to any other bodily function. "I see it as a bodily function, yeah its a natural part of being human but so are a lot of other bodily functions... there's things I do as a natural part of everyday behavior but I don't do them in public as a courtesy to the people around me."

Being the rather sensitive person I am, I was hurt by her unexpected words. Even after I presented the scientific facts about the benefits of breastfeeding, this woman who is educated in biology and child development blew it off and could only focus on how wrong I was to feed my baby in public. Her words in their entirety suggested that I should be ashamed and embarrassed for my behavior, because how dare I make her or anyone else uncomfortable. I can only imagine what it must be like for the mothers who are treated that way by complete strangers, or worse by family members who tell them to cover up or leave the room. I held fast to my passion for normalizing breastfeeding. If she had asked me in a friendly way, of course I would have made further attempts to make her more comfortable. I honestly thought that her offers of going to the car and for a scarf to cover Iris were for my own sake and that she was just trying to be polite.

I do not intend this post to be a personal vendetta, merely an illustration of a popular ignorance found throughout the world. It is hard for me wrap my head around this kind of mindset. I understand that some people just cannot break through the cultural norms they grow up with, and no amount of reason can sway them. I am still surprised that someone I thought was my friend could treat me that way, because of the way I feed my child. Needless to say, I am no longer interested in a friendship with her. I can empathize with her point of view, though I find deeply seeded flaws. The nursing relationship should continue for as long as mother and child want, and judgement of that should be kept private. If a woman feels more comfortable nursing her baby with a cover, or she wants a private room then she should have those things - only if she is the one who desires them. I personally do not feel the need, and that is okay too. 

For a brief moment, I thought about not posting the above second photo. Then I realized that I was thinking that way because I was afraid I would be judged again. Afraid someone else would find me and my child disgusting. And maybe someone does. But you know what? I know for a fact that I am making the best decision possible for my child's health and well being throughout her life by breastfeeding her. And I will never feel ashamed of that. 

This past week has been World Breastfeeding week. In our area of Germany, dozens of mothers and their babies gathered on the lawn of Ramstein air base to participate in the Big Latch On, which is a global effort to raise awareness of breastfeeding. I wish I could have been there to be a part of it! Iris will be two years old in October. I will continue to nurse her in public to promote the many benefits of breastfeeding and to normalize this wonderful, natural act. 

my "new" living room.

About a month ago, Iris learned how to get down from the couch by herself. Then, about a week ago she learned that she didn't need my help and instead... well, here's a demonstration! Please ignore the yelling in the background, bad timing! We were watching Howl's Moving Castle during breakfast!

I knew it was only a matter of time before she realized she could get on the couch and then get off on the other end, where the No Baby Zone was. For a long time, we had the ottoman, a blanket and cushions blocking her access to the electronics, shelves of dvds and open outlets for our computers and phones. So this evening, we spent a couple of hours baby proofing. Here is what my living room looks like now!

Yes, our little tree is up and there are already some presents hidden behind it! And yes, that is cardboard covering our electronics. I plan to paint it so at least it will look... sort of pretty? Obviously, we didn't know we were going to be having a baby when we bought furniture. Let me also be honest and say I really dislike our coffee table. It looks like a spacecraft, but without the super cool aliens. It's actually not even the one we initially picked out, but the lady taking our order apparently wrote down the wrong product number. We decided not to bother with the hassle of returning it... definitively a mistake, haha! The glass top shows every little fingerprint and drop of water, and drives me batty.

Iris is very pleased to be allowed over there now and explored every little corner of the space as we renovated. I had to move all the ornaments to the very top of the tree, which looks pretty funny! It's also so nice to be able to walk around the house without stepping over cushions! Anyone have any suggestions for how I should paint our classy cardboard? I'm thinking of going for some sort of enlarged mandala print.

the story of Santa.

I haven't been around my sweet blog very much lately. I actually have a lot of posts on my mind, including thoughts on my marriage and how motherhood has changed me... I've just been busy doing other things around the house and with Iris! It's a little early to be talking about Christmas, but this was inspired by a long-time friend of mine asking how I feel about Santa. If you don't know, there is a revolution of people who are proclaiming that encouraging your children to believe in Santa is cruel because you're lying to them. While I think this is a bit silly, I can also sympathize. My opinion is slightly mixed.

(Note: I should take this opportunity to share that our family is atheist. We respect the values taught by Jesus, as well as many other teachings from religions around the world but we do not believe in any kind of external deity.)

I know that both Marius and I both want to raise Iris to be self-aware and questioning of the world around her. We want her to feel confident in forming her own opinions based on what she experiences. But I also want her to realize that things aren't always as they seem, and that magic may indeed be real. I would hate to deprive Iris of the magic I felt as a child - I believed that Santa was a real person until around 10 years old! On the other hand, I can appreciate just viewing him as "The Christmas Spirit." 

If Iris asked me whether Santa was real, I would tell her, "yes, Santa is real. He is a spirit of giving who reminds the world to be thankful for what they have in their lives, and to give unto others with kindness - to treat others as you would want to be treated." As for why he brings presents, I would explain that it's a "you receive but what you give." I think that being a model for kindness and elective charity (ie. donating food, working at a soup kitchen, bringing used clothes/toys to a women's shelter, etc) is a great way to show your child how helping others can be beneficial both physically and emotionally for everyone involved. Warmth and kindness in general is wonderful too. 

"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake" may be viewed simply as a child learning to be accountable for their words or actions. I would tell her there are no good or bad children, but you do know what things are acceptable and make you feel happy, and what things aren't. 

I really feel as though the story of Santa is special and magical. I remember feeling that fire of joy in my belly on Christmas morning when I saw that Santa had come to eat the cookies I made for him, filled my stocking and brought me something special because he was a kind man who existed to bring joy to children around the world. I don't view Santa as "a lie," but then I did not experience any kind of emotional trauma involving my parents telling me to grow up or anything of the like. If Iris asked me about any of the other technical details, I would probably agree that Santa lives at the North Pole, comes down the chimney, eats cookies, etc, but continue to reinforce the idea that Santa is "the spirit of Christmas" so that when she does find out or decide that he is not real in the physical sense, she will have a deeper understanding of what Christmas is really all about - the spirit within all of us that has the capacity to be excellent to each other. 

guest post on the teeny tiny mommy!

I'm being featured by my friend Kelly today as a guest poster on her blog, The Teeny Tiny Mommy! 

I talk about the ways I teach Iris new words and concepts, 

so go check it out here!

I will not be shamed.

"Isn't she old enough now that you need to stop breastfeeding?"

"You don't want be to be breastfeeding now, it's time to wean."

I've been waiting for those comments for a whole year now. I've heard so many horror stories from women who have been publicly shamed and humiliated by perfect strangers for feeding their babies - I was just waiting for the hammer to fall. I've actually been surprised at how supportive most people have been of my breastfeeding Iris. I've never gotten any dirty looks in public and I've never been told to go feed her in the bathroom (if anyone ever had I was fully prepared to tell them to go eat in the bathroom and see how they like it). I'm not sure why I've never experienced it - possibly because I am very confident as a person and in my rights to feed my child where and whenever I damn well please. Maybe breastfeeding is more normalized where I live - I'm not sure.

I haven't been particularly outspoken about breastfeeding, I just do it. I've breastfed in my friend's homes, at restaurants, at the craft store, the supermarket, walking down the street, at a public pool and just about everywhere else. I've actually gotten a few positive comments over the last year, mostly from children who say "do some babies eat like that?" or they simply smile at me as though they intuitively recognize the nurturing that nursing provides. Many women have smiled at me too with silent approval of my confidence. Men have smiled at me as well, and not just because my breast is partially exposed. Every conversation I've had with friends and strangers has been positive and reinforcing of the phrase "breast is best." 

Now that Iris is over one year old, walking and looking like real kid and not a baby anymore... well, I am waiting for the hammer to fall and perhaps even hit repeatedly. I know I have made people uncomfortable in the past and that's fine - they can avert their eyes politely. If they give me a dirty look, I will smile at them. If they have something inappropriate to say about it, I will share the facts with them. 

This is what breasts are for. I am not just a sex object. My daughter will not be traumatized by it. My milk is still just as nourishing as it was on the day Iris was born. It does not turn to water; it does not go bad. It does still give her nutrients, comfort and even protects her from illness. The wonderful benefits of breastfeeding continue well past 6 months or a year. I plan to breastfeed Iris as long as she and I are both happy with it; until she self-weans or until I decide I no longer wish to. 

If you don't like it, please politely avert your eyes and keep your opinions to yourself,
just as you would in any other situation.

I will not be shamed. 

I will be strong for those who are ridiculed for feeding their babies.

I am and will be a part of normalizing breastfeeding for this culture and society!

from cradle to bed.

When I saw this bed online almost a year ago I thought to myself, "good god Ikea, you are truly genius. This would have been my dream bed as a child and I hope that you still sell it when Iris is old enough to sleep in it!"

I drooled over it for a few weeks, imagining curling up in the reading nook reading Harry Potter as a thirteen year old. I pretended I was five again and that I was laying on my back in the top bunk staring up at my starry fort, counting the stars. Little did I know at the time that Iris would be sleeping there sooner rather than later, as you may have been able to tell from recent pictures.

Before Iris was born, my mother took me out and bought us the most gorgeous old-style crib in dark espresso. It had detail reminiscent of some of the antiques I had grown up with and I fell in love with it. Iris had other ideas, however. She slept by my choice next to my side of the bed in our room in her rocker for around eight months until she outgrew it and decided to try moving her into her own room. I took the crib mattress into our bedroom to make the transition easier on her. I played with her in the crib during the day, but she refused to nap there or even let me out of her sight without screaming. We tried moving her into the crib to sleep a few weeks later and it was the most miserable experience of parenting I've had. I stood over that crib for hours and hours - rocking, singing, shushing, patting, and nursing. But I could not put her down in the crib without her immediately waking up crying. 

I tried this a few times before I decided that it was not worth it. I do not believe that it's okay to leave your child to cry, for any period of time. I believe that teaches learned helplessness and is not in any way loving. Iris is going to be our only child and I don't want to waste the precious moments of her infancy struggling, crying and screaming over something that can be avoided all together. Iris' entire bedroom was already completely childproof and safe for her to be unsupervised. Why did she need to be in what is fundamentally a cage?

So, we decided to sell the crib to someone who really needed it and could use it. 

We used the money to fund Iris' big girl bed - the Kura bed.

And let me tell you, it's one of the best things we've ever done for her. 

She LOVES her bed.

She can get on...

She can get off...

And she has never once fallen out.
She goes right to sleep on it and will sleep for a few hours before waking to nurse.
She is so proud of herself for being able to get on and off, especially now that she's walking.

I sleep with her when she wakes up often and it's easy to calm her and get her right back to sleep. When she wakes up in the morning, she pulls her books up onto the bed for me to read to her and plays with my hair. She climbs all over me and gives my tummy kisses. She grins and plays peek a boo with me near the ladder to the top bunk, where she will sleep when she's old enough. The kitty has his own little cave in there for now. 

While I'm sad that we couldn't use the crib, I am so grateful for my parents' inadvertent funding of this amazing bed. Iris is such an independent spirit. The freedom this bed gives her suits her so well and makes her so happy. When she wakes from a nap, sometimes I don't even know it until I hear the ding-ding of her xylophone or her squeals of glee as she discovers the kitty within reach. A floor bed like this is a way of allowing her to exercise her power of choice, and it's easy to see that she revels in it.

I look forward to one day watching her count the stars on the canopy, design amazing fortresses and pretend she's at the helm of a great, steadfast ship. 

Sweet dreams, my baby.

a love of learning.

The terrible sleeping has resolved itself for the most part and the clingy crying has dwindled. However, the non-stop learning is still going strong! Iris has learned how to pass a ball back and forth with me, which is a great problem solving activity as she learns which way to move her arms to push the ball directly to me (she's surprisingly accurate, too.)

Her books, which are her greatest love, are becoming worn and bent from the frequency with which she reads them. She points out the things she finds interesting so that I can name what they are and also becomes very insistent that I read certain pages over and over again. She plays her xylophone often and likes to take turns with me. I've noticed that after I play a few songs on it, she gets very frustrated that she doesn't have the motor skills to play the same way. She tends to throw the mallet and get upset, but I tell her it's okay to be frustrated and she just needs to practice, which usually calms her down. I'm really amazed at her ability to understand me lately.

She has developed a new love for stuffed animals, particularly a soft teddy bear. She hugs and kisses the bear. When I initiate pretend play and ask if the bear might be hungry, she pushes him into my chest for 'memems'. She knows the names of almost all objects in the house that she interacts with. If I ask her to get me a wooden block, she does so. She knows what 'another' wooden block means. If I tell her the object is in the bedroom, she wanders off to find it and bring it back to me. She knows that 'dirty' means 'don't touch'. She knows to comb her hair with both a hairbrush and a comb.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting to write down. Oh, yes! I recently taught her how to blow her nose! We're still working on the using a tissue part though! I have the feeling that from now on, every day will be a learning experience for her. Even as I wrote this post, I had to change her diaper and she said 'poop'! Now that she is able to demonstrate what she's learning, I will be doing more educational and stimulating projects with her during the day such as sensory bins! I wish Marius could be here to see all of this new learning and growing. 

walking baby!

Today was gorgeous, so we decided to walk to the little playground down the road. Iris put her shoes on for the very first time and walked all the way down and all the way back. While we explored the outdoors, she got dirt under her finger nails, chewed some mulch chips, put bits of grass in her hair and even found a kitty on the slide. We'll definitely be doing this daily, now that it's cooled down outside!

busy mama pt.2!

Busy mama part 2... how many more sequels will there be?? 

I have little to no time or energy to be posting on my dear blog lately. I am babysitting a one-year-old little boy for a friend in the afternoons, trying to keep the house clean and orderly, cooking, taking care of a very needy little baby girl, trying to devote time to my husband and squeezing in crafts for Iris' party. It really doesn't seem like that much when I write it down, but it's hard when everything involves Iris hanging on my legs, whining. I'm sure she's about to have a huge growth spurt because she is nursing fiendishly every 30 minutes. Her teeth are also coming in steadily and slowly, which doesn't help. I confess, I am very worn out from it. 

I am so tired today. Both babies were exhausted and grumpy all afternoon and I haven't even gotten the chance to eat lunch. I enjoyed playing with them a lot, but how do you get kids to take a nap without constantly disturbing each other?? In other news, Iris finally chewed and choked down her first Cheerio - without throwing it up! Her gag reflex has gotten really sensitive to the point of gagging even before food gets in her mouth. We are taking her in for an evaluation next week to see if the nutritionist can give us any help with teaching her how to eat. She is perfectly healthy and happy otherwise - she is obviously thriving on my milk, but we need to advance our role in helping her learn that food isn't the enemy. 

Other than being really busy, things are really great around here as usual. My birthday is in less than a week - I'll be 24 years old! To be honest, I almost forgot my birthday completely. I know Marius has something special planned, as he always does. All I know is I've been warned not to look at our shared amazon account! Hopefully I will be back to posting more regularly soon! 

(Also, if anyone is interested - I have 5 BumGenius for sale in EUC! 

Waiting on a shipment of new Fuzzibunz which I am all too excited about!)

perspective on respect.

Since Iris became mobile, she has slowly grown more adept at getting into things which are age-inappropriate. This has presented a new challenge to me as a parent in respecting my child. I don't believe in permissive parenting, but I do strongly believe that our children should be treated as people - treat them as you would like to be treated. No, I don't mean give your baby some iced-coffee in their sippy or let them watch Aliens on a Friday night. Nor do I mean they should be allowed to play with items which could be dangerous, or other such things. Let's see if I can give a little bit of perspective...

Imagine that you go to the mall this weekend. You wander around, in and out of your favorite stores. While their advertising is as flashy as ever and their windows are adorned with the season's hottest things, everything seems dull, the same as every other time you've visited. Then all of a sudden you spot something new. It could be a new clothing store that you've been dying to see come to your town, a game store or a technology related store. You make a beeline, your heart racing with the excitement of something new and shiny. 

And there it is - the perfect new dress; the newest highly rated game; the fastest and most user friendly new cellphone. You run your fingers over it, smiling to yourself that you've found what you've been hoping for. You're so glad. Then all of a sudden... "That's not for you, give it to me!" A rude salesperson grabs it from your hands, sneering at you, "I don't think this is in your price range."

I imagine that's how Iris perceives things when I, without thinking, grab something from her that I don't want her to have. I certainly wouldn't want someone treating me so rudely or with an abrupt, knee-jerk reaction. "But, a baby can't understand such complex emotions!", you might exclaim. Go ahead, grab whatever your child is playing with right now... see what happens? They start crying. This new thing is so special and great to explore when... bam, it's ripped away. Get your partner or spouse to grab something from you today and see how you, yourself, react.

Let me repeat, I don't mean that kids should play with legitimately dangerous items - please, do grab those scissors! But when they get into your folded laundry, your new roll of toilet paper, drop your cellphone or reach for your unread magazine to shred - be gentle. The world is still so exciting and new to them, and they won't have impulse control until they are over 5 years old. Treat them as the age they are, but respect that they are a person too, no matter how small! If you don't want them playing with something, take a moment to explore the item with them. Show them how it works, how it feels. Then, "this is fun, but not for Iris right now. You can play with this ball!"

Which would you prefer - "do you need any help? Well sure, I can put that away for you!" Or, "that's not for sale."

fearing for my baby.

I mentioned in this post about how Iris scared the hell out of us. Well, it all began a few days into our trip to RI. A few little reddish bumps started appearing on her arms. Marius has a long history of serious allergies, and I have grown to have them as well, so we decided that it was most likely a little allergic reaction to dog dander or something else she'd never been around previously.

The next day, there were more bumps, somewhat clustered together and slightly more irritated looking. We started to feel a little bit concerned, but we knew how prone infants are to rashes and she wasn't showing any other symptoms or signs of discomfort. By the end of the third day, there were yellowing patches on her arms that formed into blisters within an hour. My heart felt as though it was in my throat and I was choking on fear. 

I won't post pictures but know that it looked absolutely horrible. I was at the point of tears about it but by the time it looked severe, all the urgent care places in the area were closed. We decided it was in our best interest to wait until we got home the next day to take her to the doctor. She seemed absolutely fine otherwise - we suspected infant eczema which can look pretty nasty or even chicken pox, as Marius had it pretty badly as a child. We drove to the clinic immediately after getting off the plane in North Carolina. I was so scared, not soothed by her happy giggles or playing; my baby had never been sick before.

The doctor diagnosed a skin infection from an unknown cause. It could have been from a bug bite, something she caught from a person or a place, or anything really. Her immune system was probably down from lack of sleep and from all the new things going on around her. She is now on antibiotics and a steroid ointment. A week later, it has cleared up but has left some scarring. Hopefully it will clear up in time. I'm just grateful she was never in any sort of pain or discomfort from it.

I never understood the sadness, fear or pure terror that a child can strike into the heart of their parents until I became a parent myself. If for some reason I can't see Iris and I hear her start to cry in pain, everything else in my brain shuts off and I get tunnel vision. I move faster than I ever though possible until I've reached her and she's in my arms. Marius and I call it "Mommy Mode" - it's the purely primal and instinctual protective mode that there is no ignoring. 

When her arms were looking really bad, I had a pit of fear in my stomach like I'd never felt before. My worry for her health is hugely more overwhelming than for my own. I would do anything for her; it's a pretty intense experience to say the least. The only thing I can think to compare it to are the near-death experiences I've had in my life. I hope future illnesses are few and far between as she grows up. 

What is the scariest thing you've gone though as a parent? What other experiences of intense fear have you dealt with?

a trip to the park.

Iris' little face lighting up with delight was the highlight of last weekend.
Swinging was one of my favorite things to do as a child.
Even now, I will run excitedly to a swing set and play at flying.
It was so wonderful to see our baby reveling in the same sensations.
I love being able to ignite that bubbling giggle of hers!
There will surely be many more trips to the park!

being awake.

Iris was a brilliant sleeper when she was first born up until about four months old. Being of the school of thought that parents should respond to their baby's cues and not the other way around, I never imposed any kind of schedule on her. Luckily, she seemed to grasp the difference between day and night right away and was even sleeping in 8 hour stretches for a couple of weeks. That is, until the dreaded teething began.

I've mentioned recently that I was reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley. Well, I finally caved and bought this highly recommended book a few weeks ago because Marius and I could not figure out what was going on. I was perfectly happy to wake up three, four and even five times a night to nurse Iris back to sleep. It honestly didn't affect me much. I so enjoyed cuddling with her on the couch during those quiet, dark moments. I did this for about three months. I'm one of those lucky people who can function normally on less sleep but when she started waking me up every 15 minutes at night, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was awake round the clock and neither of us was able to complete a full sleep cycle. I just couldn't do it anymore. 

The first step was to change where she slept. Instead of the Rock 'n Play Sleeper which seemed to be cramping her new desire to move in her sleep, we brought her crib mattress into our room and pushed it up against my side of the bed. There was another week or two of waking very often, leaving me a teary-eyed and frustrated wreck. The next step was to get her sleeping on her own for nap-time because after months of sleep deprivation and a whining, crying, teething baby all over me at every hour of the day... well, I needed some time to myself. I will do everything reasonable that is within my power to nurture her and give her everything she needs. Parenting is not an easy job. However, as Marius often has to remind me - I need to take care of myself too. I often don't realize how badly I need to change something until it's right in my face and I break down. When I am highly informed or feel passionate about a certain topic, I may be very obstinate. I like to make things work my way and will dismiss other input because "I am right dammit!"

So, I gave in to buying the book. It offers gentle solutions to getting your baby (up to 2 years old) to sleep better and longer. Many of the suggestions were things I was already doing but it did enlighten me to one very simple yet important idea. Iris was screaming for a schedule. After the great number of hours of research I did while pregnant, I know how important it is for newborns to be fed and allowed to sleep on demand, no matter the hour! However, I have recently neglected to remember that Iris isn't a newborn anymore and has different needs. One of these is based on her new level of awareness of the world - she wants to know what to expect or in other words have a routine.

We all have our daily routines, for if we didn't our day would be chaos. I have daily routines of course, but being a stay at home mom means my day is relatively unstructured and I tend to just do what I want, when I want to. I missed Iris' cues for the need of a structured routine in her life. Since I developed a solid plan as to how our days go, she is sleeping so much better. It would sometimes be a 2-5 hour ordeal to get her to sleep. Now, it takes an hour at most. She naps within a half hour of the same two times every day. After morning naps she has a bath and gets dressed for the day. We have play time most of the day and by evening she is actually ready for bed. These were such simple changes which made us all much happier and more rested!

Situations like this remind me of why it's so important to be a conscious parent. We need to listen to what our children have to say and look at things from their point of view. I learned a lot about myself both as a mother and a woman. I didn't see what she needed because I was too wrapped up in my own agenda. I so desperately want to do what is right for Iris but in allowing my emotions to control me, I blind myself to what she's truly asking for. I suppose that is the great conundrum of parenting! Here's to living life Awake!

PS. These pictures were taken tonight within a span of about five minutes!!

why we're only having one child.

Just about every time I've expressed that we've decided not to have any more children, the statement is met with amused smirks, disbelief and concern. It seems that most people find it difficult to wrap their minds around a young, happy couple who doesn't desire to procreate excessively (not that we don't practice!) When I say "oh, we are very happy with our one little girl," the response is generally "you'll have more, you'll see," or "oh, just wait!"

My childbirth experience with Iris was amazing up until the end. It was perfect, in fact - up until I birthed my uterus. I had an inverted uterus, which means that the entire organ came through my pelvis and was outside of my body. The experience was extremely traumatic for myself and Marius. We both thought I was going to die as I bled out on the table and the doctor struggled to figure out how to literally push my uterus back inside me. Fortunately, it was manually replaced into my body, but without any sort of pain medication. I can not find the words to describe the intensity of the pain. It was worse than labor and pushing Iris out. I am actually amazed at my capability to remain conscious - most likely only due to the hormones released after birthing Iris. This is an urgent reason as to why we do not desire to have any additional children.

Having a single child is also a financially smart decision, especially in the current economy. Having only one child omits huge financial burden and stress. We are very lucky to be a military family - our insurance pays every penny of childbirth costs, which is upwards of $10,000 for a hospital birth. You can read a bit more about the cost of children here.

Many worry about the myth of the Only Child Syndrome - our one child could be raised to be spoiled, self-centered, unsociable. This assumption is untrue, as studies find quite the opposite. Single children are more socially and emotionally precocious, as they are raised to interact with adults on a regular basis. They will only be spoiled if we fail to set the example for respectful behavior, gratefulness and empathy. Single children also generally have a higher level of self-esteem and independence, which is very different from "selfishness - lacking consideration for others". 

Some believe that Iris will be lonely growing up, worry about being our sole caregiver when we become impaired with old age, and fear being alone when we die. We will be making a conscious effort to ensure that she is able to have a childhood surrounded by her peers. We will welcome her friends into our home as often as she desires and she will have extracurriculars to learn how to function in a large group. We have no worries that she will be responsible for us in our old age, as our  long-term financial plan will deliver freedom from the usual concerns in this area. As for her being alone when we are no longer physically present, we can only trust that she will create her own happiness and find comfort in other "family - a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage."

Closer friends and family seem to have easily forgotten the frighting aspect to our experience of having children. They are confused about why we wouldn't want at least one more baby to "complete the family". Before Iris was even conceived, our family was complete. Marius and I were the most important people in each other's lives. We still are today. Iris made our family, our hearts and our love bigger. However, we know that the most important thing a couple can give their child is a healthy and happy relationship. This means that our love for her is boundless, full and deep - but our marriage does not revolve around her. We are able to give her our fullest attention, encouragement and energy while still having time for ourselves. 

Academic studies show that couples with children are just as happy or less happy than their childless counterparts. It seems that the more children, the more stress, rush and disagreement exists. Parents get much less time to themselves, if any at all. Their once "free" lives morph into simply living for their children. They feel obligated to provide for and sacrifice everything for their children's benefit. They feel as though who they "used to be" has been lost. We are different in the fact that we live for ourselves, and no other. We are responsible for Iris and we adore her, but she is not the meaning of our lives. It would be more difficult to retain our own enjoyment of what life has to offer if we were to have more children. I understand how few people may be able to accept this notion in our child-obsessed culture.

We are the type of people who favor logical choices over emotional ones. From our standpoint, having one child is the the most sensible and sound decision. If you disagree, please explain why!

We are very happy with our one little girl!

Edited to add extra clarification - We would have made the same decision even if I hadn't had childbirth complications, but it certainly does reinforce our choice!

our favorite baby gear

Baby gear! There is so much marketing for all sorts of baby things it's ridiculous! Before I got pregnant, Marius and I lived in an ignorant state of bliss, blind to the baby section at Target and unaware that such a thing as BabiesRUs existed. As soon as the test showed those two pink lines... we were inundated by advertisements for swings that will soothe your baby into a dreamy land of ponies and rainbows, vibrating chairs (babies naturally enjoy a vibrating state of being), bouncers, bottles, pack and plays and jumparoos. We absolutely needed to have sleep sacks, burp cloths, about 5,654 bibs, onesies and socks, a bottle drying rack, bumper, outlet plugs, a special changing table to get pooped on, a $50 European plastic baby tub specially designed to feel like the womb, baby towels, a highchair that takes up half the space in the kitchen and a diaper genie (to wish away the poop smeared on your expensive and otherwise useless changing table?). Don't even get me started on activity centers, car seats and strollers. Oh! And for the love of god, buy this nursing cover which screams "oh look over here at this bag I am wearing - I am totally lactating under here!!"

I'm not judging anyone who wants or uses these things, but most of the stuff marketed these days is totally unnecessary for our family. We certainly did buy outlet plugs and onesies, but if we felt compelled to get everything so many other people are convinced they need to have before the baby's even born, we'd be living in a miniature sized BabiesRUs. I believe in simple, good quality products with a true and natural purpose. So with that, here's a list of our top 5 favorite baby gear items!

1. Fisher-Price Rock n' Play Sleeper

A bassinet with a modern twist. Iris has been sleeping in it, next to me in our room, since the day we brought her home. It's compact, very light and folds for travel. It can be rocked by hand, so she didn't become dependent on the relentless rocking motion of electric swings. The cover is machine washable, it's very light and easily moved from room to room. We've taken this thing everywhere and it's our number one item. She's always slept and played very happily in it. It's convenient, safe and worth every penny. So sad that Iris is about to outgrow it.

2. Ergobaby Carrier (with the infant insert)

This was our first baby carrier purchase. The temperature was just starting to get cold when Iris was born in October, but cocooned in the infant insert and cuddled up against me, she was snug as a bug in a rug. She would sleep for hours at a time as a newborn and it gave me two free hands during grocery shopping. We still use it in rotation with a Baby K'tan and Marius also wears her very comfortably! Perfect for anywhere and everywhere not to mention the many benefits of baby wearing!

3. Chicco TravelSeat Hook On

I debated for months on what high chair to get. I had my heart set on a Stokke Tripp Trapp, but my ever wiser and more financially responsible other half was very disgruntled about the $400 price tag. We ended up choosing this hook on chair because it's inexpensive and suits our lifestyle perfectly. Every restaurant we've brought it to, we get comments on how cool it is! It attaches to every table we've come across and Iris loves sitting right at the table with us. Good for our small kitchen, clamps on and off in less than a minute, is safe and easy to clean. I'm glad Maruis talked me out of the Tripp Trapp - the hook on is the best! I love that Iris can sit at the table with us - just because she's small, doesn't make her any less a part of the family!

4. Graco Snugride 32 Car Seat

I tend to be really paranoid about car safety, so it took me a long time to choose a car seat that both lived up to my expectations and was affordable. The great thing about the 32 is that your baby fits it until 32 lbs and/or 32 inches in height! It's intended to last the first year, which has saved us anywhere from $50-$100 dollars by not having to purchase an "infant car seat". It's bigger and heavier, and we gave up trying to carry her in the bucket seat at 5 months or so but no complaints other than the weight. I didn't like her sitting in it all the time anyway. She still seems pretty happy and comfortable in it, it's easy to use and installs quickly - overall a good choice and money saver. 

5. Baby Jogger City Mini

Though not very natural, this stroller is awesome. It's light, folds with almost no effort at all by pulling a handle in the center of the seat and is a very smooth ride. Turns and maneuvers on a dime. Good for walking, light jogging, crowded malls, etc. Iris has only used it on our 5K excursions on the local "nature trails" and once in the mall, as I prefer to carry her. I expect to get a lot more use out of it when she's older - right now she will only happily ride for about a half hour before she gets over stimulated and wants to nestle against me and explore from that place of safety. It's a wonderful, compact, light and easy stroller and we look forward to using it more often in the future when Iris is older.

I'll be posting soon about our... I mean Iris' favorite toys!

old enough to ask for it

"You should stop breastfeeding when they can ask for it."
...

Does a newborn not have hunger cues?
Can they not ask the mother for a tummy full of warm milk,
for the comfort of mother's embrace?
Does a mother not know when her baby is hungry?
If baby does not tell her, then how would she know?
Expressions, body language, coos and cries.
They all mean something. It is not all mindless babble. Babies learn at an incredible pace and they are much more intelligent than we give them credit for. Communication is a basic human instinct - we all want to reach out to each other. Why are they any different?

Iris asking for milk at 5 months old.

Iris has been signing for milk since she was born. As a newborn, she would put her fist against her cheek. The hungrier she became, the more insistent this body language became and she would literally punch herself in the face to get the point across! Around 3 months old, she started clasping her hands together and holding them up in the air or over her head. It didn't take long to learn that this was her new 'milk sign'.

Some people thought I was crazy, that I was spending too much time with my baby and was beginning to imagine things. Until they saw it for themselves. My mother was in shock that Iris signed so deliberately and often - there was no denying that what she was asking for was to nurse.

She has recently started saying "mememe" for milk. Just because she is able to voice her desire for food, should I deny her? Now that she is legitimately "old enough to ask for it," has breastfeeding somehow become dirty and wrong?

Originally, my goal was to breastfeed for a year. I see nothing inhibiting that goal at all, we are sailing there almost faster than I can believe. There are significant benefits to nursing past one year, so my new goal is 2 years. Human children need a mammal's milk for at least the first two years of life, as the fats are necessary for optimal brain development and overall growth. The western world is very uneducated about the benefits of nursing and how other cultures around the world embrace it.  I am absolutely willing to continue past 2 years, for as long as Iris wants to. In fact, I would be thrilled. The physical, immunological and emotional benefits far outweigh any cultural stigma.

I want to inspire people. I want the people in my extended family, as well as those people I meet in public, to realize and understand that breastfeeding is not abnormal or unnatural. A 2 year old breastfeeding is just as beautiful as a newborn latching for the first time. It is the natural way to nurture our children. If given the chance, children will wean themselves from the breast when they are ready. I want to give Iris that chance. In an age when breasts are overly sexualized and their true purpose is glossed over, we need to reclaim our natural, wonderful ability to make the perfect milk for our perfect babies. 

So one day, when Iris runs over to me and asks "mama, have nursies?" I will say "yes, baby." Just as when she cooed up at me with her tiny fist pressed against her cheek, she is speaking to me. Her language, at any stage, is worthy of my respect and validation. 

10 things I've learned about being a mama.

1. Don't let anyone scare you about giving birth. I think as a result of our culture, media and our country's medical history, a lot of women have been deprived of understanding what birth is really about. The root of birth is beautiful, the pain is a primal view into our souls which is not to be feared but revered. Don't let talk of pain rob you of the amazing experience that birth is. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, it does. But pain is not all bad. We can learn and grow from it. Your labor and giving birth is not an emergency, it is the most natural thing on earth and your body knows how to do it, even if you don't. Subscribing to the line 'why would you have dental surgery without novocaine' is really selling yourself short.

2. Doctors are human too. They have opinions, biases, habits and personalities. These are all characteristics that vary widely in every person. Find a doctor or midwife who you connect with or feel comfortable with. Ask them questions - do they believe in a woman's ability to birth naturally? How do they feel about induction? Do they support and have accurate knowledge of breastfeeding? Do they routinely circumcise? It's important for you two to be on the same page. Remember, doctors have personal opinions. Their word is not god and you can disagree, you can seek a 'second opinion'. Once baby is born, the pediatrician's job is to check your child's health, not your parenting decisions.

3. Baby essentials are not essential. Most companies exist to make a profit, so their lists of baby essentials can be pretty extensive. All you really need are some diapers and a breast or two. Obviously that kind of lifestyle doesn't work for everyone, but it certainly does for people of lesser means throughout the world. Your arms, face and love is all your baby really needs. We decided to buy the very bare minimum and if we decided we couldn't live without something like a vibrating chair or wipe warmer then we would cave and buy it. Guess what? We didn't. I didn't even want a rocker, the couch we already own was just fine. Most of that stuff is really a waste of money.

4. Your baby will cry - it is normal. They cry because that is their only means of verbal communication. It does not mean that they are manipulating you. Babies don't have wants, they have needs. When those needs aren't met (or met quickly enough), they cry as an instinctual alert to the parent as if to say "hey, I am here and I need this to survive or feel comfortable!" Some babies don't cry as much and rely on body language or fussing to get their point across. Some have what is called colic and cry inconsolably and constantly. All you can do is your best to respond quickly and consistently, to let your baby know that you are there to take care of them. It is a big part of mutual trust and bonding in the beginning and will continue throughout your child's life.

5. Going along with number 4 - it is okay to get overwhelmed, frustrated and need a break. You as the caregiver need to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. Even if baby is crying, it is okay to put them down and eat lunch. Patience with your baby and the changes they will go through is important, but you also need to be patient with yourself. Realize that you are doing your best and be gentle to yourself.

6. Some of your choices will be questioned and you'll receive unsolicited advice. I've been given 30 year old advice from family, suggestions from acquaintances and reprimands from strangers in the supermarket. It's a take what you want and leave the rest sort of deal. You are the parent, you do what you know is best for your baby. Do your own research, don't take anyone's word for it. Just smile and nod, express your opinion if you think it's worth it and don't feel bad about telling those strangers in public or even the grandparents to back off.

7. You are allowed to feel sad or lonely. Even when you're with your baby or the rest of your family and friends. It's a lot of work to take care of a newborn or infant and sometimes it can make you feel cut off from the rest of the world. Tell someone how you feel, maybe another mother or your husband. Know that the feeling will pass, but will probably be back to visit occasionally.

8. Your body is a temple. This is something my mother used to say to me when I was a teenager but I could never relate to it until now. Our culture constantly stresses having a sculpted body, flawless skin and flowing hair. If you don't fit into this size 2 ideal, you are somehow less of a person and this intensifies after you have a baby. Women are taught to feel their bodies aren't good enough. We need to reclaim pregnancy, birth and motherhood as something natural and beautiful, no matter how it affects our skin and figure. Your body is a symbol of fertility and life. Remember, how you treat and speak about your body is setting an example. It's okay to feel insecure, but we don't need to hate our bodies. Remember what your body has accomplished and be proud!

9. Make time for your partner. There are a lot of things about motherhood that are unsexy - you may smell like spit up, have drool in your hair, be wearing clothes a day or two old... chances are, your partner doesn't really care. It's important to ensure that they still feel important, even if you're not able to go on dates or do the things you used to. Start a conversation about it, communication with them about how you're feeling is the best way to prevent any kind of resentment or frustration from building up. They can't read your mind to know that your hormones are crazy or you're overworked. Tell them if you need them to take baby for a little while so you can take an extra long shower or go for a walk, chances are they probably won't know to offer.

10. Be prepared to be a different person. Everything that you do or don't do, say or don't say has an effect on your child. Think about how you grew up. What were the great things and what would you have changed? Our own parents teach us through their mistakes and empower us with their successes. Your child will teach you too. They will bring out the best in you, and sometimes even the worst. You can't be perfect all the time even though you strive to be. And that's okay. The important thing is that you have self awareness.

"The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." - The Alchemist

just to clarify.

In regards to my post about Baby Led Weaning and all future parenting related thoughts - please remember that these are exactly that. My thoughts - my decisions - my personal beliefs which I feel very strongly about. If you disagree and/or choose to make choices that differ, it is unlikely that would judge you or allow that to affect whatever relationship we may have (except in a few particular circumstances). Though I may staunchly disagree, I will do my best to express my opinion and then hear yours out and we can discuss them like adults. Most of my thinking in relation to parenting is backed by many months of intensive research on all sides of the issues, so if you are looking to explore or question the ideas I put faith into, by all means I am willing to share my knowledge. However, if you take it upon yourself to disrespect or attack me, there will be a problem. Please note that I will not apologize for my beliefs if they offend you.

I hope to share in experiences as our daughter grows and am very interested in dialog with others about parenting and a multitude of other subjects.

Let's just remember something the Dali Lama has said in his list of 18 rules for living:

Follow the 3 R's:

Respect for self

Respect for others

Responsibility for all your actions.