"marriage is about love not gender."

I have spent half of my morning, quietly debating with myself about reposting this article on my personal facebook.

ANNA PAQUIN EXPLAINS BISEXUALITY TO A CONFUSED LARRY KING

Instead of copping out with a comment-less link, I decided to write about it. You could call it coming out, or simply sharing my honest self.

My own bisexuality is something I have kept largely to myself in the last several years. Of course, my husband knows and fully accepts that I am attracted to both men and women. As Anna Paquin suggests, marrying my husband did not magically change my sexuality.

When I was younger and among my group of friends at the time, I did actively pursue both men and women that I was attracted to. Some of my friends were bisexual, and thus it was a safe pool of people so be honest with. I did not need to fear being judged, questioned, laughed at or avoided for my sexuality.

I would like to believe that I have never come out to my family and the majority of my friends and acquaintances because I am so confident in myself that I felt my sexuality was unimportant. I would like to think I have never spoken up about it because I feel it's personal and don't have the desire to make an event of myself.

These are lies I tell myself. Stories, to cope with the truth of fearing judgement, questioning, laughter, religious lectures or disgust. I have ignored considering myself part of the LGBT community because I was in denial of my own insecurities.

I first realized I was also attracted to women as a very young child. Around age twelve, at the dinner table, I worked up the courage to come out and say it to my parents. "I am bisexual." They weren't even angry, in fact they were simply dismissive and amused. Well, at close to thirty years old, I can confirm that my sexuality is not a phase.

Making this post is something that has been building inside of me for a long while now, and I am still afraid to post it. My heart is pounding like mad. However, Anna Paquin made me realize that I can be proud to be a bisexual wife and mother, without being sanctimonious and without shame.

look alike.

One of the first restaurants we visited in Germany was a place that's locally named "The Truck Stop." However, it's really as far as you can possibly get from what Americans would think of when they think "truck stop!" There are huge indoor and outdoor dining areas, a brand new playground for the kids, and pastures all about the area where deer are raised! (Unfortunately, some of them do end up on the menu, but at least they are pampered by visitors until then...) Marius ordered a schnitzel, while I experimented by ordering something completely new to me - sauerbraten! Iris shared from our plates, and was most interested in the fresh pasta that came along with my meal. 


I snapped a few quick pictures of her eating, and of her and Marius playing with her new lacing toy. I laugh every time I see these photos because the two of them look alike so much, and even wear  identical expressions in each photo!

After we finished eating, Iris got a huge kick out of watching and feeding the deer! 

This has been such a lovely summer so far!

wordless wednesday.

seventeen and a half months.

My little love, your Papa and I have been astounded by your development lately. Your personality shines out more than ever before. You are curious, though still as tentative as you've always been. If you can imagine a sarcastic child, that is you. You are quite serious, but still playful. You certainly do let out peals of laughter when tickled. You delve into activities that require fine motor skills or problem solving, but you will not (yet) run off across the playground by yourself or climb anything other than the couch or a set of stairs. You seem not to like getting dirty (unless it involves smearing food on the table). You are also very observant of people. Once you have stared into their eyes for a time, weighing their intentions, you slowly open up and become more social.

You really enjoy watching youtube videos of animals making noises, and love to imitate all of them. You can meow, woof, neigh, baa, moo, caw, and a whole host of others. Your favorite animal sound is "roar!" You've also taken up a certain high pitch shrieking which is a sound all your own. You can use your words with intention to get your needs met, most notably: more, chair, bye bye, up, back, no and thank you. In the last two days, you've learned to recognize and say the letter "I" and can even pick it out of the group of 26 alphabet magnets on the fridge. 

You can point to almost every part of your body, now including your forehead, cheeks, chin, neck, and knees. You have taken up balance exercises on the edge of the coffee table - you plant your hands on the surface and lean your hips forward on the edge to suspend your legs in the air. Sometimes you'll do this for a good twenty minutes at a time! You can take your own shirts and jackets off (with some squealing and frustration) and you are working on learning to put your own shoes on.

You love to eat roasted asparagus, corned beef, yogurt and snack bars made from a mix of figs, nuts and other fruits. You adore mandarin orange slices, but we think you may have an unfortunate sensitivity to them since your skin has broken out in a bit of a bumpy rash. You are still nursing and love your "memems" as much as ever. You usually want to feed yourself now and have become very adroit with your fork and spoon. 

Your hand-eye coordination has also developed to the point that you can attentively and easily hammer the balls through your "pound and roll tower." You can kick a ball, throw it forward and behind, and you are amazed when we throw it up into the air and catch it. You will tell me when you've gone "poo poo" or have a very wet diaper, and will point to the wipes and lay down for me to change you. You will also tell me if you've made a mess. You'll run to come get me and show me where it is, usually coconut milk on the carpet, and announce, "ohhhh! mee! mee!"

You have started helping me "read" books now, by excitedly starting or finishing sentences with memorized words. Your favorites to read are 'On the Night You Were Born', 'Bear Wants More' and 'The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear'. You love to dress up in my clothes while we're folding laundry; you prance around the house with a sly smile as you try not to trip on the draping fabric. You play with the kitty rather roughly these days, and you've received a few swats from him because of it! 

One of your favorite things is when your Papa and I kiss. You will grab one of us in each hand by our shirts or hair and push our faces together over and over, with a look of solemn approval on your face. You do get upset when we hug each other, though - maybe you feel left out or like we could be hurting each other somehow. You've also discovered that when you cover your eyes, you can magically 'disappear' from our sight, and you become quite gleeful at surprising us when you reappear with a "boo!"

You are expressive, sensitive, loving and strong. You engage life with delicate attention to every detail of what you can perceive (which is rather a lot.) You are a joy to behold and we are privileged to be the parents of your unique vision. We love you! 

home.

Marius came home to us on Tuesday of this week!

Iris was a little bit nervous at first, but that didn't last long. Even before we left the airport, she was already reaching for his hand and asking for his kisses. By the time we got home, she was sitting in his lap and hugging him. There is no doubt that she remembers her Papa and greatly missed him while he was away.

Marius will soon have two weeks off from work to spend time with us and to relax after his deployment. I've breathed so many sighs of relief since he returned happy, healthy and as much my loving husband as ever. 

Our family is whole again. 

news.

I got some wonderful news from Marius last night... he should be coming home in a fortnight! 

I am so overjoyed to know that he will be home so soon; I've been positively giddy. 

When I told Iris this morning, she grinned and pointed to her Papa doll and squealed, "Papa!" 

She also gave his picture many kisses today!

We can hardly wait to see him again after these long months apart.

happy anniversary.

Two years ago on this evening, my love and I were wed. It was a very simple affair that took place in the office of the Justice of the Peace. Our sisters and two of our friends were there as witnesses. The ceremony was only a few minutes long, and I barely remember the words we spoke to each other from whatever standard script that is used. 

But, I do remember Marius's expression as he looked at me; so full of love and heart laid bare. 

I remember the way his lips moved around the words and the way his hands felt around mine as we exchanged rings. 

I remember the way my heart fluttered like a small bird. 

I remember our first embrace as husband and wife and how I felt I might burst with delight.

Marius is more than I could ever have asked for in a friend, teacher, husband and love. 

I have such pride in the home and family we have built; in our beautiful and intelligent daughter; 

in the balance we bring each other. 

Our honeymoon will never cease as we experience and explore everything this wonderful life has to offer - together. 

Thank you, My Love.

The last two years have been nothing short of extraordinary. 

mama and baby.

The squadron Christmas party was held a little over a week ago. Without my knowledge, a friend of ours captured these beautiful moments of me with Iris. Photos like these are a rarity, as I am usually the one taking pictures! Thank you dear friend; these photos mean a lot to me and I know they will to my husband, as well. 

this morning...

An early Christmas present for a cute little girl who really needed a new hat!
Kitty ears hat hand knitted by BabaMoon.

loving Papa.

Iris' Papa Doll finally arrived today. 

This photo perfectly captures her reaction.

She's been carrying him around all day since.

We miss you, Love.

thankfulness.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Iris and I had a nice dinner yesterday at the squadron. This morning, I went with Lena to the airport to pick up her husband just returning from Afghanistan, then I had a nice long talk online with Marius when we got home. I made a delicious vegetarian stew for myself with fire roasted tomatoes, quinoa, beans and green olives, along with numerous spices. All in all, it was a good day even though Marius couldn't be here to share it with us in person.

In the last few hours of this day, I sit here reflecting upon what it is I am truly thankful for. My life, the experience of living and all the wonder it brings. My Family, my health and my wealth, which has provided the roof over my head and all the amenities we are so fortunate to own. I am thankful that we don't have to worry where our next paycheck is coming from or that we don't have to choose between heating our home and affording food. I am appreciative of my military family and my friends, whom have given of themselves to help us. I am thankful for my daughter for bringing so much more light into my life, and who has bettered me in more ways than she will ever know.

Most of all, I am thankful for my husband and for our marriage. My words fail me in describing the perfect love we share. Thank you, Marius, for teaching me with such patience to love myself. You've loved me unconditionally, and shown me the greatest compassion and tenderness that I have ever known. Your incredible steadfastness and sensitivity astonish me every day. You are truly an exceptional man. I am so thankful to have you in my life and I look forward to spending every day of eternity together. I will always follow the road which leads me to you. 

fever.

My baby girl still has a fever and isn't feeling quite herself.

She's otherwise healthy and happy, just sleepier than usual.

This is her favorite sling for cuddles.

Maybe this will help...

Is this how to take my temperature, Mama?

I hope my baby feels better soon.

a warm head and a pink coat.

It's 8 o'clock at night and I am sitting alone on the couch. Iris fell asleep twenty minutes ago, almost an hour earlier than usual. My baby had a low grade fever of 101 all day, but we brought it down to 99.0 with a dose of Tylenol. I gave her some more before bed and may have to give more throughout the night to be sure it doesn't spike while we are sleeping. Bed-sharing really pays off at times like these; I will be by her side all night long in case she needs me. 

I think the cause of the fever is teething. She has always taken the process and pain of teething very hard, since she got her first tooth at five months old. She had a low grade fever last weekend too, so it's not completely out of the blue. I'm glad I decided to buy some Tylenol then, or I wouldn't have any in the house. She is acting completely normal otherwise, maybe a bit sleepy compared to her usually vibrant state. She ate plenty of fruit, avocado, cheese and drank plenty of milk today. I'm not concerned and we will be going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow, as planned, unless something changes. I'll just be sure to wear her in the wrap most of the time and ensure she takes it easy. Like today, we spent most of our time cuddling in bed or lounging on the couch watching movies - whereas usually we would be outside at the playground or running around.

We did go out early for a short walk this morning, though. It was in the 40s - cold enough for Iris to need a real coat and hat to go outside! I had to get a video because she just looked so darn cute! 

Near the end when I say, "you want to fly?" means that I grab her hands and swing her over the step and over to the next block of sidewalk. If you watch again, at the end she looks up at me and bounces with her knees a little bit, asking me to fly - too cute! She adores it and much of our "walking outside" now consists of her leading me back to the step, trying to get me to swing her into the air!
Hope my baby is feeling better tomorrow for her big day picking out pumpkins with her friends!

first birthdays.

A little over a year ago, I met Lena. We were both getting to the point of becoming extremely large-stomached women. Large with babies of course. Our due dates were around the same time but Lena was convinced that I was going to have mine first - I'd been having braxton hicks for weeks and she hadn't felt a thing! 

Fast forward a couple of weeks, a few friends had come to the hospital to goggle my brand new baby Iris. As they left, they mentioned they were going to go see Lena. Yes! We had our babies on the exact same amazing day of 10-10-10! Quite the coincidence! Our daughters, Iris and Jane, met each other on their first day of life and have been enjoying play dates ever since. I'm so thankful to have met Lena that year, she has proven to be a truly wonderful friend.

She and Jane came over today to celebrate their first birthday! We made baked brie and pork and hominy stew which was magically delicious. The girls played, slept and of course opened a few presents. Even though  our husbands are far away, we made the best of it and enjoyed ourselves. I will be sad when our family moves away from theirs next year, but hopefully we run into each other again in the future!

Lena and Jane.

Using the rocker for balance. 

Sweet Jane.

Playing with stacking cups. 

Inspecting the presents.

What are these things?

Look Iris, there's something inside!

A book!

Matching books, just like matching birthdays!

Birthday girls. 

Look, a baby!

Such a happy baby!

Opening presents is very serious business. 

700 stickers. Somehow I think mama is going to regret this...

Hey, did you take my book?

It's okay, your head is sooo soft - I love you!

a love of learning.

The terrible sleeping has resolved itself for the most part and the clingy crying has dwindled. However, the non-stop learning is still going strong! Iris has learned how to pass a ball back and forth with me, which is a great problem solving activity as she learns which way to move her arms to push the ball directly to me (she's surprisingly accurate, too.)

Her books, which are her greatest love, are becoming worn and bent from the frequency with which she reads them. She points out the things she finds interesting so that I can name what they are and also becomes very insistent that I read certain pages over and over again. She plays her xylophone often and likes to take turns with me. I've noticed that after I play a few songs on it, she gets very frustrated that she doesn't have the motor skills to play the same way. She tends to throw the mallet and get upset, but I tell her it's okay to be frustrated and she just needs to practice, which usually calms her down. I'm really amazed at her ability to understand me lately.

She has developed a new love for stuffed animals, particularly a soft teddy bear. She hugs and kisses the bear. When I initiate pretend play and ask if the bear might be hungry, she pushes him into my chest for 'memems'. She knows the names of almost all objects in the house that she interacts with. If I ask her to get me a wooden block, she does so. She knows what 'another' wooden block means. If I tell her the object is in the bedroom, she wanders off to find it and bring it back to me. She knows that 'dirty' means 'don't touch'. She knows to comb her hair with both a hairbrush and a comb.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting to write down. Oh, yes! I recently taught her how to blow her nose! We're still working on the using a tissue part though! I have the feeling that from now on, every day will be a learning experience for her. Even as I wrote this post, I had to change her diaper and she said 'poop'! Now that she is able to demonstrate what she's learning, I will be doing more educational and stimulating projects with her during the day such as sensory bins! I wish Marius could be here to see all of this new learning and growing. 

walking baby!

Today was gorgeous, so we decided to walk to the little playground down the road. Iris put her shoes on for the very first time and walked all the way down and all the way back. While we explored the outdoors, she got dirt under her finger nails, chewed some mulch chips, put bits of grass in her hair and even found a kitty on the slide. We'll definitely be doing this daily, now that it's cooled down outside!